clean jokes
Ever heard the one
about.......? Okay, here's the deal. I love to laugh and I thought
that I would share some of the jokes that I hear with you. I have
divided them into two sections dirty, and clean. Click on the
dirty section only if you want to view jokes that are a bit offcolor
and have a laugh on me.
THE TOUGH LIFE OF
A PREACHER
A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there
was
a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter
it
in a race. However, at the local auction the going price for horses
was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured,
however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter
it in
the races. To his surprise, in the first race his mule came in
second. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The preacher was so pleased that he entered the mule in another
race.
This time it won and the paper said:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT
IN FRONT
The bishop was so
upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new
headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much
for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get
rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The headline the next day said:
NUN HAS BEST ASS
IN TOWN
The bishop fainted.
He told the nun that she would have to dispose
of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who would take it
off her
hands for $10.00. The paper said:
NUN PEDDLES ASS
FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the bishop the next day.
***
Two Texans were
having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a
young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.
One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face
in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?"
She shook her head 'no.'
"Kin ya breathe?"
Again she shakes
her head 'no.'
The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan
hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties
and licks her
right on the bottom!
Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing
the food to dislodge.
The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns
her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.
His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen
anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic
friend.
"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"
***
A rather confident
man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices
this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No",
he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and
I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman
says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
"It uses alpha
waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it
telling you now?"
"Well, it says
you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles
and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing
panties!"
The man explains,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast."
***
One day a guy dies and
finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his
first meeting with the devil.
Devil: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's
all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,
diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink
some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right. You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you
get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow! That's awesome.
Devil: I bet you like to gamble?
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well you're
dead anyhow. You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean...
Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the drugs you want and if you overdose - that's
all right - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a
swingin' place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No...
Devil: Oooooh (grimaces) ......... you're gonna hate
Fridays.
***
One bright, beautiful Sunday
morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ
play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now
this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little
perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
48 years!"
***
Two blondes were
talking and one couldn't help but notice how
pretty and beautiful the other's skin was. So she asked her
outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful.
"Well, once
a week I fill a bathtub up with milk and just
soak in it."
So the blonde went
to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd
like to buy a lot of milk."
"How much?"
asked the farmer.
"Well, quite
a lot because I'm going to soak in it."
He asked, "Pasturized?"
"No, just up
to my breasts."
***
An old Italian woman
is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.
A young and beautiful
woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume
turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio
Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel
No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
>
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her
destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves,
she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and
farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"
***
A hairlipped guy
walks into a bar and sits up on the stool and asks the bartender:
"How muth ith your beer?"
"Beers are
$5 each," replied the bartender, who happened to have a hunchback.
"Five dollarth,
for a thinkin' beer? That'th too high!"the hairlip shot back.
"Well buddy,
that's our price take it or leave it," the bartender replied
as he polished glasses.
"How muth ith
a whithkey?'
"Whiskey is
$12 a shot."
"Twelve dollarth
for a damn whithkey???? That'th too high!"
"Listen pal,
that's the price either order a drink or leave,"the bartender
said.
"Well, give
me a whiskey thour on the rockth," the hairlip said disgustedly.
As he mixed the
drink and handed it to the hairlip, the bartender said: "I
know you don't like the prices, but that isn't my fault it is
the owner's. there are a lot of things I don't like, and I can
safely assume it is the same with you. for insyance, i notice
that you are staring at my back, so i will make you a deal. I
won't say anything about your hairlip if you don't stare at my
hunchback"
"Hunthback?
I thought that ith your ath, everything elth here ith tho high!"
***
Slobodan Milosevic
dies and shows up at Heaven's gates for his judgement. he knocks
for admission into the Kingdom of Light. The huge gates swing
open and saint Peter greets him coldly.
"What do you
want?" Saint Peter asks.
"I want to
enter heaven." was Slobo's reply.
Saint Peter laughed
heartily. "You sir," he says. "must go to Hell!"
With that he promptly slams the gates.
The next day there
is another loud knocking at the Pearly Gates. Peter opens them
to find 10 devils anxiously waiting.
"What are you
doing here? Peter asks bewildered.
"Well,"
said one devil. "we're the first wave of refugees."
***
One night a father
overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and
Daddy and Grammy. Good-bye Grampa." Well, the father thought
it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the
Grandfather died.
About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his
prayers
again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Good-bye
Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the
father was getting more than a little worried about the whole
situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly
gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he
got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight
he went home. He was still alive! When he got home
he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had
a very bad day at work today." "You
think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!",
the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
***
An explorer goes
into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and
started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp
and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever
you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars""Granted, but
your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool,
and tennis
courts, everything""Granted your ex-wife gets two. This
is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie
with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me
half to death."
***
It is near the end
of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There
is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there
is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
The teacher says,
"Whoever answers the questions I ask first and
correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself,
"Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer
the question". The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score
and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher
said, "That's right Susie. You can go".
Johnny was MAD. Susie answered first.
The teacher asked,
"Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny
was even MADDER than before. Mary answered first.
The teacher asked,
"Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher
said, "That's right Nancy. You can go". Johnny was BOILING
MAD. Nancy answered first.
Then the teacher
turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these broads would
keep their mouths shut!".
The teacher asked,
"WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL
CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"
***
A panda walks in
to a western bar and demands food. The bartender gives
it to him. The panda eats the food, turns, shoots the piano player
and
walks out the door.
The bartender, upset
yells at the bear "Hey! First you eat my food, then you kill
my piano player and the you leave without paying?"
The panda replies
"Hey! I'm a panda! Look it up!" and goes out the door.
The bartender gets
a dictionary and looks up pandas. The dictionary definition is
as follows: Panda - eats
shoots and leaves. (dumb,
I know, but funny!)
***
Tommy goes into a confessional
box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been
with a loose woman."
The Priest says "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must
atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and
four Hail Marys."
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and
asks what happened?
Tommy replies with a devilish grin "I got five Our Fathers,
four Hail Marys and three good leads."
***
A man goes into
the doctor's office and he says to the doctor, "Doctor, I'm
having this terrible problem. You see, I keep farting all the
time. Day and night, I can't stop! It's awful! Luckily, they're
the silent kind and don't smell so no one knows it's me. Anyway,
you gotta help me doc!" "Alright," Says the doctor,
"I'll tell you what we're gonna do... first we are going
to get your hearing checked. Then we'll fix your nose."
***
A duck walks into
the pharmacy and says, "gimme some chapstick and put it on
my bill".
***
Dog limps into the
bar with one foot all bandaged up and says, "I wanna see
the man who shot my paw!"
***
A man from the city,
moves to the country. His farmer neighbor visits one day and invites
him to a party that night. The farmer says "I gotta warn
you there is going to be a lot of drinking there." The man
replies, " That's O.K. I used to go out and drink a lot with
my friends after work." The farmer then says, "I gotta
warn you, there may be fighting too." The man replies, "That's
O.K., I generally get along with people pretty well." The
farmer then says, "I also must warn you that sometimes there
is a lot of sex." The man says enthusiastically, "That's
O.K." The farmer then gives the man directions to his cabin.
As the man is almost out the door, he asks, "What should
I wear?" The farmer answers,"It doesn't matter! It's
just going to be the two of us."
***
A farmer walks into
a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees
in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model.
The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he
brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree
and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts
it up to see what's wrong, and the farmer says: "What's that
noise?"
***
Two men were driving
down a country road when suddenly a rabbit came bounding through
the fields and ran right in front of their car. The driver slammed
on his brakes, but not in time.
The passenger jumped out of the car and screamed, "Well,
do something. I can't believe you hit him." The driver said,
"Don't worry. I can help him."
He goes to the trunk of the car and takes a bottle out. He then
walks over to the rabbit and pours a little over his head. The
rabbit instantly raises its head.
He pours a little more and then the rabbit hops a little down
the road, turns around and waves at them. The rabbit then hops
a little further, turns around and waves at them again. The rabbit
then hops a little further down the road, turns around and waves
again. He did this until he was out of sight.
The passenger turns to the driver, and says, "What was that
stuff?" The driver looks at the bottle and says, "Permanent
Wave for Damaged Hair."
***
A boy was crossing
a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If
you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took
the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket.
The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll
stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said,
"Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog is cool."
***
This guy is going
to be in a play. He practices his line over and over again. They
only gave him one line because he tends to be very nervous onstage.
He gets so say, "Hark, I hear a cannon roar". The night
of the play, he is pacing behind stage, working up a sweat, he
comes onstage at the right time and waits to say his line. His
turn is getting closer, a loud BOOM echoes and he says, "What
the hell was that?"
***
A woman is laying
naked on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As
she lays there,a man dressed in white comes by, lifts up the sheet,
takes a look and leaves. This happens a second time. the third
time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery
soon?" the man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just
the painter! "
***
Three idiots walk
into a bar and appear to be very happy about something. "I
can't believe we did it in only 120 days!" The first one
says. "The drinks are on me!" "I cant believe we
did it in only 120 days!" The second one says. "The
drinks are on me!" "I cant believe we did it in only
120 days!" The third one says. "The drinks are on me!"
The bartender is curious and asks "What are you celebrating?"
One of the idiots replies, "We put this here jigsaw puzzle
together in only a 120 days and on the side of the box it says
from 3 to 5 years!"
***
Did you hear about
the two peanuts who were walking down the road?
One of them was A-Salted (assaulted)!
***
I was fired from
the Orange Juice Plant last week.
I just couldn't concentrate.
***
A guy calls the
hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going
into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!
***
A man walks into
a bar and sees a horse behind the bar wiping a glass. Thinking
he's seeing things, he rubs his eyes and looks again. It's still
a horse.
"Excuse me" he says to the horse, "Am I going crazy
or are you a horse?"
"Yep, I'm a horse all right." The bartender replied.
"THANK GOD! I thought I was going crazy!!! The man
says,"When did the Cow sell the place?"
***
A ventriloquist
is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and
yells,"HEY YOU! ONSTAGE! You been making smart ass remarks
about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all
stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied
"I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"
***
A man jumps from
an airplane and when he pulls his parachute cord it breaks. As
he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly into
the air. As they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and
the other rising away from it, the skydiver yells, "Excuse
me! You wouldn't happen to know anything about parachutes would
you?"
"Sorry, I don't." The other man yells back. "Would
you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"
***
A man walked in
to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away,
Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there?
It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to
go to Rome!
So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're
always late!
So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow
and
they're overpriced!
So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope
to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million
other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says,
"Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave
you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not
only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it
was full
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited
on me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just
like I described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite
for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to
see the
Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the
Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd
be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope
would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he
spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?"
***
A farmer sitting
on his porch noticed a highway department truck pull over on the
road's shoulder. A man got out, dug a sizable hole in the ditch,
and got back in the vehicle. A few minutes later, the other occupant
of the truck got out, filled up the hole, tamped the dirt, and
got back in the truck.
Then they drove forward on the shoulder about 50 yards and repeated
the process--digging, waiting, refilling. After a half- dozen
repetitions, the farmer sauntered over to them. "What are
you doin'?" he asked.
"We're on a highway beautification project," the driver
said. "And the guy who puts the tree in the hole is home
sick today."
***
Q: How do you make
an Arkansas woman feel good about herself?
A: Compliment her tooth.
***
After growling at
the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature
from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly
was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called
for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the
orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay
exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes
to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general
with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on
here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
***
A little boy asks
his father what the difference between theory and reality. "Well,
his father replies, go upstairs and ask your mother and your sister
whether or not they would sleep with old man Wilson, who lives
next-door, for a million dollars."
When he returns from asking he says, "Yes, they both said
they would."
"Well son, that's the difference between theory and reality.
In theory we are Millionaires! In reality we are living with two
whores."
***
Neighbor 1: "Hi,
there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let
me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back.
By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to
deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you
have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that
you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"
Later that same day
Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved
in next door"
Neighbor 3: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 3: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at
the University"
Neighbor 3: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?"
Neighbor 3: "No"
Neighbor 1: "You're gay!!"
***
A man rushes into
his house and yells to his wife, "Baby, pack up
your things! I just won the lottery!" She
replies, "Shall I pack for warm
weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care.
Just so long as
you're out of the house by noon!"
***
An eight year old
boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next
to him. "If you get in
the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a
piece of candy." The boy
refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take
no for an answer, the man driving
the car Pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of
candy? The boy tells
the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further
down
the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok,"
he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you
$50 and all the candy you can eat." The little boy stops,
goes to the car and
leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You
bought the Saab, Dad.
YOU have to live with it!"
***
A man and
a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment,
they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the
man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm
sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if
you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've
got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why
not," giggles the woman.
"Good,"
he replies.
"Get your own
blanket."
***
It's the spring
of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to
pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's
father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready
yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says."That's
cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what
they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will
probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father
responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all
the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite
a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh
yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves
to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this
makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning
to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs
in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out
the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
***
An elderly man was
at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before
he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs,
and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and
was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie
sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral."
***
A husband and wife
were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks
away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it... I'm outta here... I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember,
if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in
the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club.
But the
decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a
gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his
mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
***
A man walks up to
a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells
nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office
and tells
him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains
why. The
supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong
with the
coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"The woman replies,
"He's a midget."
***
The Zen Master is
visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master,
who
pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's
my
change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
***
A guy goes into
a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar
and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to
gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie
and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper
cables
in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages
to
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle
free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks
him over
for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can
come in -
just don't start anything."
***
more to come....check back!
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